i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
