just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
