i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize