He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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