then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
