so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
