Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
