Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
