I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
