Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
