Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
