Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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