If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
