You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
