it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
