Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
