also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
