he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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