dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
