If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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