I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
