I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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