I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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