There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
