you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
