My first STD was from a foam party
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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