You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
