He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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