I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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