would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Damn victory sex feels great
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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