I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
