I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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