I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
