so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
