Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
