he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
