Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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