my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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