I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
