of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
