im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
