the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
