I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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