she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
