i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
