he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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