I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
