I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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