Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
