I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
