Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's just like the Real World with babies
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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