I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
